This time ten years ago I sat by my father’s bedside as the final pages of the closing chapter of his life unfolded.
He died just before dawn. Even in my loss, the new day felt like a gift to me. Dawn was his favourite part of the day, holding a promise of fresh starts and new beginnings. For him, that day, death was a new beginning in the afterlife. For the next ten years, I found myself revisiting the image of him ready to greet me when it comes to my turn to take the same Great Voyage. I imagine him standing with a smile lighting his features as soon as he spots me, the way his face brightened when he’d meet me at the airport, returning from my travels. But I didn’t have to go that far away – I’d get the same great big smile upon him opening the front door when I called to visit. Even now, I relive the bear hug he’d give me, bring his scent to the front of my mind, listen for his voice saying my name, and try not to be afraid of the swell of grief that accompanies the joy of those memories.
As I work on setting up my new house back in my old hometown, I wonder what he’d make of the last ten years.
It’s been a decade of huge change for me, my family, Armagh, Ireland – north and south, and the whole world…
I would love to hear his take on it and in the quiet moments, if I still my mind and think of him, I can guess his side of our conversation. Like the time I sent my sister a birthday letter from him using my technique for writing character dialogue…
And it occurs to me…
We are as much a part of each other now as we were when he was alive. He was the first great love of my life in the way only a daughter can love and hero worship a father, especially a father like mine. In a world where women are often undervalued, he showed me I was worthy and valued. He told me that in spite of being a woman, I could do anything.
It was my mother who taught me it was because I was a woman I could do anything!
But he was a man ahead of his time. In touch with his feeling and always ready to have a good ole heart-to-heart. He was wise and kind and full of good humour. I was a woman lucky to have had him as my father. And I still have him as my father, for no matter where I am, he’s in my heart.
It’s been a quare decade Dad… You loved the world back then and took the good with the bad all in your stride and I think you’d be exactly the same with how things are now. Making the best of all the new technology and cursing it at the same time! I’m sorry you missed having your own Facebook page but sure if it makes you feel any better, Mum doesn’t have one either. But I’m pretty sure this would have been your profile pic – at least for a while!
|My Father proudly holding his first grandchild “fresh out of the wrapper”!
We’ll keep trying (in vain) not to miss you because I know you don’t want us to be sad.
Thank you for being you and always letting me be me.
Love you forever, Daddy.